To initiate my first inquiries into the interconnections of things I had no tools at my disposal that would be quicker than words. So words it shall be that weave the first strings of what has been my rattling mind for some time now.
To the roots
If I had to look back as to when I started asking the questions I wouldn’t have to go that far back. 2011-2012 is when my acceptance of the nature of things as is got sucked into a void. A void I am still in, swirling in the regular tornado of life along with intricate patterns I cant ignore and deeper conflicts of identity.
Take identity itself, what even defines me? Its of course easy for a second person to draw a quick conclusion: he’s just a friendly and chubby fellow, you can send your girlfriend alone with him on a vacation and not worry! ha fucking ha. OK, great! I ain’t complaining. But I do love myself a good rant.
I’ve always been your textbook nice guy, unabashedly helpful and always positive. Its known that people with ever smiling faces usually deal with demons in their head. Do I have demons? Heck, I am the demon. Don’t worry though, I’ve got it under control. I guess.
When I say demon, its not what you might see in some horror movie. I’m sure the above paragraph will rock the socks off the religious folks I know, I choose the word Demon because of the supernatural angle and the inherent malevolence. We are all demons in flesh costumes.
I began freeing my inner demon the minute I started asking questions, and the first ones were of belief itself. For 18 years I was raised in a strict orthodox christian setting. Church every Sunday besides all the festivals during the year, family prayers every night and the morning before leaving to school/college and active participation in Sunday school, the choir, the youth league, the works.
Non-believer of belief
Whenever people do read this they’ll know I’ve been a pretender for some time now. I still go to church occasionally, participate in the youth league meetings and in general be part of the community. My beliefs have changed, I count on only one thing – people and the connections they form.
The connections itself are of non-consequence, its the deeper layers that I wish to explore. What connects people? Emotions, physical contact, material possessions, non-tangible assets? Yes and no. If you had to build a room with walls that portrayed images of only the common things that connect you with any other person, what would it look like?
Would there be just each others body parts, would it be just money, would it be your mutual interest in automobiles or a big collage of a whole bunch of things? Its these things that suddenly calms the demon in me. In the end, its the pursuit of calmness and peace that defines true humanity.